The topic of non-monogamy has been on my mind for a while, as there has been a spate of books and articles by people who have opened up their marriage. The other day I read an article in New York Magazine, The Cut, titled “I Opened My Marriage. Maybe I Should Have Tried an Affair.” The piece got me thinking about the misconceptions around non-monogamous relationships and how they are often portrayed––and more often misunderstood.
As a couple’s therapist who’s worked with clients in open marriages, polyamory, and everything in between for over a decade, I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the messy. I’ve also explored this territory in my own life (more on that in my upcoming memoir, From Sexless Marriage to Sex Goddess, out this November, available now for pre-order!) Today, I want to dispel myths, clarify terms, and share tools to help you understand what non-monogamy really entails—whether you’re curious for yourself or just want to understand a different way of being in relationships.
What Is Non-Monogamy, Really?
Non-monogamy is a broad umbrella that includes open relationships, polyamory, swinging, and more. But let’s be clear: it’s not about cheating or sneaking around. Even a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement, where one partner knows the other is seeing people but doesn’t want details, isn’t quite the same. True non-monogamy—sometimes called “ethical” or “consensual” non monogamy—is built on a foundation of communication, consent, and honesty.
Take open relationships, for example. These involve an agreement between partners to explore dating, sexting, or physical intimacy with others. The degree of “openness” varies— some couples share every detail, while others set boundaries like no sleepovers or not bringing others into their shared home or bed. Polyamory, on the other hand, goes deeper.It’s not just about sex; it’s a belief that humans can sustain multiple loving, committed relationships simultaneously. Think of it as a value system, often supported by a community of like-minded people who may even know each other’s partners.
The Telephone Game of Non-Monogamy
Here’s the problem: as non-monogamy enters mainstream culture, it’s like a game of telephone. What starts as a thoughtful, intentional practice gets distorted into something casual or reckless. In that New York Mag article, the writer seemed to jump into an “open marriage” fast—seemingly driven by a crush—without much discussion with her husband. That’s not a recipe for success. Non-monogamy isn’t an excuse to have an affair or fix a shaky relationship. It’s a different way of relating that requires work—yes, the boring stuff like communicating your feelings, needs and desires.
I’ve seen this in my practice. The relationships that thrive are the ones where partners talk openly, are vulnerable around feelings that arise, such as jealousy, and determine shared guidelines based on each partner’s needs and limits. The ones that crash? Often, it’s because consent isn’t fully there—one partner reluctantly agrees, or it’s one-sided, with only one person exploring outside the relationship. Statistics show many open relationships end in breakup or divorce, not unlike monogamy, and I’d argue it’s because people underestimate the effort involved.
Building a Solid Foundation
If you’re intrigued by non-monogamy, start with a strong foundation. It’s not about diving in because you’re bored or have a crush—it’s about intentionality. For example, if one partner wants to open things up, experts suggest spending extra time nurturing the primary relationship first, especially with the less enthusiastic partner. This isn’t a quick fix for a sexless marriage or a rocky connection. It reminds me of couples who decide to have a baby to “save” their relationship spoiler: it usually backfires.So where do you start? Education. There are incredible resources out there, written by people who’ve been in the trenches. Here are some of my favorites:
- The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy: The OG guide to ethical non-monogamy, now 25 years strong. It’s got an amazing chapter on jealousy that’s worth the price alone.
- Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and what it means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá: This 2011 book takes an anthropological look at human mating, arguing we’re wired for multiple partners—not monogamy. The research has its critics, but it’s a fascinating perspective.
- Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern: A newer gem that blends attachment theory, trauma, and non-monogamy. Perfect for understanding how your past shapes your relationships.
- Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Matlack: From the folks behind the Multiamory Podcast, this book offers practical tools for any relationship, monogamous or not.
Tools for the Journey
Many tools have been created to assist the communication necessary to navigate multiple relationships. One of my favorites is known as a RADAR talk from the Multiamory book. It’s a structured conversation you can have with a partner to keep communication flowing:
- **R**eview: Check in on past goals or issues.
- **A**gree: Set an agenda for the talk.
- **D**iscuss: Dive into your topics.
- **A**ction: Set achievable next steps.
- **R**econnect: End with compliments, a hug, or whatever brings you closer.
One of my clients, a poly woman in her 30s, introduced me to this. Her use of regular RADAR talks with her partner helped improve their relationships. Even better, it’s not just for poly folks; it works for anyone. Another gem from the polyamory world is “compersion” —finding joy in your partner’s happiness. Imagine your partner giddy about a new date. Instead of jealousy, compersion lets you tap into that excitement. It’s a muscle you can build, even in monogamy, by focusing on your partner’s bids for connection, what makes them happy that they want to share with you ( Hear or read more about this in my Let’s Talk About Romance podcast and Everyday Romance blog.)
The Bottom Line
Here’s the biggest take away: even if you’re happily monogamous, non-monogamy has lessons for you. The couples I’ve worked with who do polyamory well? Their communication is next-level. They’ve practiced being clear, direct and honest—skills we all need. Whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous, relationships boil down to the same thing: communication, honesty, and openness about your needs and desires. Non-monogamy isn’t a shortcut—it’s a commitment to doing the work. So, let curiosity guide you. Read, listen, talk to your partner. Enjoy learning and growing, even when it’s uncomfortable—it’s what makes us feel whole.
Dr. Alisa Kriegel