Once a year, on Valentine’s Day, couples everywhere feel the pressure to find the perfect romantic gesture, the right gift or meal that clearly conveys in just the perfect way what your partner wants to hear: I love and care about you. Flowers, chocolate, or jewelry? Is this too much or not enough? Will we have sex? What if we don’t? This over-the-top, anxiety-producing ritual is what sadly represents romance. After seeing too many rom- coms and perfectly orchestrated Instagram proposals, many people seek the grand gesture yet overlook the obvious: what about the other 364 days? What if true romance wasn’t seen as a once-a-year event with a glittery capital R, but rather as a daily opportunity for love and connection? Love, in its most authentic form, isn’t a performance; it’s messy and real. It begins with the courage to reveal our true selves, the parts we often keep hidden in the shadows of insecurity, afraid that we won’t be loved. Radical vulnerability is your willingness to be yourself, flaws and all. If this type of love is what you’re actually seeking, which is what most of us are, then the challenge is building this together with your partner daily. While this sounds great in theory, the question becomes: How do you shift into a mindset of everyday romance that is not ready-made or easily purchased? Luckily, many researchers have been studying this very thing.
Cultivating Everyday Romance Through Vulnerability
Having meaningful conversations is an important element for deepening relationships. One of my favorite tools to help with this is something called the “36 Questions“. I first read about this process in a NY Times article, “The 36 Questions that Lead to Love”, which was based on research to see if intimacy could be created between two strangers. Spoiler: it can! It has since been adopted by couples everywhere. The process is simple: two people take turns answering a list of questions, which gradually intensify in depth. It’s not about finding the perfect answers but about the journey of discovery through sharing your thoughts, beliefs, history, and values with another person. The foundational idea is that it’s in these moments of shared vulnerability that true intimacy grows. Vulnerability as a path to deepening your and your partner’s connection is integral to everyday romance.
Daily Bids for Connection: The Heart of Everyday Romance
Intimacy is not merely about revealing our inner selves; it’s also about attuning to the subtle needs and desires of our partners. The Gottman’s Love Lab research illuminates the power of “bids for connection,” those everyday invitations to engage, to share, or to be present for one another. Over years of research with couples, the Gottmans found that the partners who were still married accepted each other’s bids (turned towards) one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced, on average, only accepted their partner’s bids 33% of the time. These bids are everyday requests to listen to a story, to reply when you’re called, to join in a shared activity, to help when asked. These are opportunities for connection by turning toward each other rather than turning away. This everyday practice builds a foundation of trust, affection and love.
The Art of Learning Each Other’s Language of Love
Gary Chapman’s insights were not based on research but on his years of counseling couples who were struggling. He heard a common refrain: “He/she just doesn’t understand me.” Many people felt they were doing or saying the “right” thing, yet they were met with anger or disappointment. What he realized was that they were speaking different languages. You give your partner what you think is the “perfect gift,” only to be met with a half-hearted thank you. Only later do you find out that your partner really wanted quiet time together over a meal. While gifts might be your language, if theirs is quality time, then your gift won’t resonate. Chapman identified five main “love languages”: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts—each a unique expression of affection. We usually have one or two of these that are most important and the way we express and feel love. The real secret to “filling your partner’s love tank” is to learn to speak and understand each other’s language. This may take time and feel like a daunting effort, especially if their language is different from yours. However, this daily practice will result in your confidence in knowing which small gestures are appreciated instead of wasting your time with big gestures that go unappreciated and unreciprocated. The ultimate reward is a deeper sense of feeling understood and loved.